Garden of the Black Roses

Lately, I’ve noticed that the personality of my patients has transferred… somehow… into my friends and family. The ‘I want attention now and I’ll badger you until I get it’ personality.

I decide to have a cease communication for a few days and Mum panicked when I didn’t contact her within 2 hours of her leaving a message and no amount of me letting both my sis and Dad know what was going on stop her from deciding to call everyone and their dog to try and talk to me.

I was doing overtime, learning a new area in my field of work, and not to mention the ward is a nightmare x2 at the moment with the amount of sick ones we have. You basically hit the ground running when you start your shift and it doesn’t let up at all. I wanted a lot of me time to cool off and the last thing I wanted was to be badgered by everyone and whatever zoo they had be all in my face as well. I had enough of it from the patients without allowing it to burn me out when I’m off duty as well.

Add to that, a few friends did the same thing once Mum told them that she hadn’t heard from me for a ‘few days’. I’m not going to call every few days to say Hi. It’s just nonsensical not to mention you can rack up a quite a phone bill doing that. And what does everyone expect? Me post some sort of announcement that I don’t want to talk for a while? Then everyone will do the ‘why?’ thing that really shits me. If I shut off, I shut off. End of story. If you don’t like it and badger me, then be ready to have your head blown off.

Haa…. Now that I’ve vented. On to my usual stuff I do when I’m not tired.

The only thing I’ve been able to do this past week has been write a few of my episodics and a bit of IWB. I also have a a storyline for each of the short stories in IW Prologue which I might put out before IWB… Not sure on that tho.

I also haven’t finished updating the website like I said I would. Only cause I keep falling asleep with my laptop on. I’ll get around to it eventually…

I’ve been looking over the site and trying to work out what needs updating and compiled a list. Over the next few days I’ll be fixing/adding/modifying a few areas.

- Published Novels Section for Platinum Members

- Better Sitemap

- Update Bunny Love project

- Update minor other projects sections

- Update Crafts Fair with new items

- Put up the podcasts I’ve been forgetting to put up

I’ll change the announcements when I finish each update. At the moment tho, I’m working on the published section. I only have IWA to put in so it should be fairly quick.

I’m seriously starting to get really annoyed at the amount of trackback spam I find on my site awaiting “approval”. It’s like the new nonsensical spam that is around. Instead of having a comment filled with a shit-load of links to viruses and penis enlargements, I get a trackback that is like a minimalist approach to advertising. More often than not, the links go to viruses.

What annoys me even more is the fact that some appear to be proper comments but when married up to the actual post, don’t really make sense. Leading me to think that poster is either spam or incredibly stupid. So with this post, I’m going to track the amount of spam for all to see for a week. I’m curious to know which posts are gaining the trackback spam and which aren’t.

At time of posting:
4 spam – Paranoia, Podcasts and More (PPM)

7/4/2012 – 4 more spam for PPM

Over and over, I find it so interesting how people can attempt to force their religious beliefs onto others. To push them into submission almost. I wonder what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot?

Like for example, if heterosexual people were a minority and were being told they can have and do things because they were straight?

I wonder, if we took the bible away, what excuse anti-gays would have to stop the legalization of gay marriage. More to the point, if given overwhelming proof of just how biologically natural being homosexual is, would they change their minds?

Somehow, I doubt this. All the backlash and trying to control what each person does with their own body, whether it be having a same-sex partner or having an abortion, boils down to someone’s own personal opinion.

I always did wonder why people try to restrict themselves behind the rules of something that can’t be seen, heard, or felt? It seems sad that people put faith into something that would restrict you from doing things that you, personally, might want to do. And why pick and choose what you want to believe from the religion and discard the rest? That’s not really a belief. It’s like you went shopping and only bought the best clothes to wear because you don’t like the remaining rags.

As for me, if the law starts to put religious beliefs into it… Then I foresee the world is doomed.

Lately, I’ve been so paranoid about others. Especially when I see things that one doesn’t normally think relates to them. For some strange reason, I’ve started to feel that one particular person is out to damage my career. However, aside from being one of those old-school people, she’s made no other indications that she out to do anything else.

My paranoia is quite marked at the moment and it’s hard keeping it in. Most of the time, I have to focus quite hard to keep the concentration off the paranoid stuff. So much so that I’ve had to take a hiatus in my writing as it was showing through the characters. It’ll settle again soon. Usually does eventually.

Now, those who have been following my podcast, I know there wasn’t one last fortnight as I am actually working on a project, which I’ll mention in the podcast this fortnight. I’ll have 2 items going up onto the feed this fortnight so keep your eyes peeled around the 5th for them.

There’s one thing I absolutely love about my work and that is the madness that goes on. One particular person, sweet little thing, she calls me Madame Butterfly whenever I wear the tops that have the loose, large sleeves. Although today, I wore a silvery grey top with the large sleeves and she said I’m more a moth today. She had a really good giggle to herself about me leaving moth dust everywhere I go.

Lastly, I decided to get myself a giant bunny for easter. It’s a white 1m tall rabbit (ears not counted in height) and is so soft! He’s my snuggle whenever I’m wanting some company while I’m watching TV. He’s already been abused too as I used him as a back rest while cross stitching one night. Yes, the only toys that are free from abuse and get special treatment are my owls.

I’ve been working on a store front for crafted pieces so I don’t have two separate store fronts. It’ll be a while before it is all sorted out and some of the pieces I’ve been working on go up.

Feel free to take a look around the store front as I set it up. I’ll put an announcement up once it is finally finished.

I’ve been developing a scene for Succubus Diary and Cursed Rose for a while now. Both involving pirates. The only thing is that I’m not too well versed in nautical things, especially when it comes to medieval and renaissance-styles ships.

So I’ve been looking them up and I wonder how much I’ll need to learn before those scenes are believable. I never really realised how terribly complicated they are.  I mean, even each mast and sail have a special name.

In saying that tho, information on the internet is varied and very spread out. When I next go book shopping, I’ll try and find a book on pirate ships. With lots of pictures! Makes it easier to understand.

Until then… I’ll just add notations to the scenes… Ideas.

One idea a friend gave me was to subscribe to a part series that makes a model of the HMS Victory. Would help… I’ll look into it when I get a chance.

What in the hell is going on with the weather lately? I mean, sure I live by the sea, but it’s ridiculous to have a hot and humid day followed by a day with torrential rain. At least, the rain today isn’t too bad and I’m not driving in it.

On a lesser note, I’ve been trawling through Blogger lately looking for blogs dedicated to actual things. For a resource list in case I need to read up on something that I’m not familiar on. So don’t be alarmed if I ‘follow’ you with my Sui Fireheart persona. It just means I feel your blog is very informative, resource wise.

On that note, if you have a blog that you think I might be interested in, send me an email via the contacts page under Interact.

On another note: A good friend of mine is starting a tour soon. So if you’re in need of a good laugh, get out there and support him as well as other comedians on this tour -> http://www.indiancomedy.co.za/

Sometimes I wonder if my nightmares have some sort of significance. Some are old memories that I’d rather forget but some are just plain odd.

Last night, I fell asleep while I was cross-stitching and dreamt that the needle came alive an attacked me. Woke up to find it stuck in my thigh… How does a blunted needle penetrate the skin when I was still in the same position I was in while cross-stitching?

Thursday night, I fell asleep because I was doing late-early at work and was tired from the late shift. I dreamt that I was walking along the beach at the entrance and came across numerous friends who were face-down and staining the sand red. As I walked, I came towards the ocean and eventually I saw co-workers and lastly the young man I’ve been attracted to lately all strung up with fishing line on the rocks, their blood dripping down to stain the sand below. Had to wear all black on the Friday because of the sheer distressed feeling I had all morning. Imagine having a dream like that then going to work and having flashbacks of it. Not fun…

But I’m so use to my nightmares that I hide what I’m thinking well. I doubt many would believe I get the nightmares or realise how often I get them.

Sometimes I wonder why my nightmares only come at night. If I sleep during the day, I don’t get nightmares. But if I sleep during the night, it’s like my brain says “It’s dark! Wake up!” and forces me awake with a nightmare.

The worse nightmare by far was before I found out about my thyroid issues and was so tired and depressed all the time. In it, I was running through a forest. Only the forest didn’t have the usual trees. They reached out at attacked me, tearing my clothes, scratching my skin. I kept running until I reached the edge of a cliff. The trees below and the water beyond looked like they were washed with blood. There was an inexplicable fear of something unknown following me and I leapt from the cliff.

Normally in those dreams, you wake up with a start because you were falling. I didn’t wake up when I fell. I landed on a tree that pierced its branches through my body. I woke up and immediately started crying. Nightmares like those are what causes the all black because I just don’t feel happy enough to wear colours.

One day, I’ll write a thriller based on the nightmares…

Lately I’ve been wondering about relationships. I’ve been single for a while now and lately I’ve been attracted to quite and interesting man for the past few months. The only thing is that he’s almost 8 years younger than me.

It got me thinking about the type of reaction someone would have, especially a young person, if someone almost 8 years older told them they were attracted to them. It’s not something I really ever thought about as my novels tend to have the male as the older and the female as the younger not the other way around.

To me tho, age isn’t important. It is the feelings one has for the other that is the important thing. The initial, hopefully mutual, attraction is what counts in any beginning relationship. Age doesn’t define wheither a relationship will work or not. Age is just a number. What makes a relationship work is how the two people deal with each other, how bad they want it to work.

What do you guys think?

More to the point, some people mistake love for attraction and vice versa. Whenever I’m with someone, I make the distinction between the two. Love for me is when I know someone as wholly as I know myself and still want to be with them despite their faults. I don’t fall-in-love easily as I’ve always had issues with trust and having the word love used to hurt me.

Attraction is what most people feel when they meet someone they think is ‘hot’. Again, I don’t react when people say someone is hot or not because what tends to attract me is personalities. What a person looks like really shouldn’t determine whether or not you are attracted to them. But in our society now, it is the case.

So perhaps my next question is, what would you define as someone who is ‘hot’? Or more to the point, when you say someone is hot, do your friends agree with you? Is that in the eye of the beholder or is it something society, and perhaps even a generational thing, has set out to classify them from ‘ordinary’ people?

Last question, for girls out there especially, have you noticed that when you meet someone you are attracted to that you act a bit more differently towards them? I have, quite clearly, learned mine. All of my past boyfriends and, to that point, others I have been attracted to have been subjected to pranking and teasing behaviour. It use to be really out of control, to the point of being dangerous and almost manic without reserve. But I’ve been able to curb most of it.

It’s something I’ve noticed with some of my friends too. When they are attracted to someone, their behaviour changes. Some become child-like. Using a younger voice and acting what some deem as ‘cute’. Others become more outgoing and make a point to make sure they get noticed. Some get really shy and hide that they are attracted to the person.