Garden of the Black Roses

Sometimes i wonder why people bother finding a partner. Why is it such an imperative milestone to reach? Finding a partner, having children, creating a family… for what?

In the world we are now, everything is so expensive. Even on my own with my car and medical bills. I have a hard enough time. I could not imagine how hard i time i would have with someone who is dependant on me.

I’ve made a decision that i prefer to be alone. I won’t be against anyone wanting to be with me but i won’t be actively looking. My heart solely belongs to myself and only one other.

That’s the way i prefer it. Have my heart yearn for someone who neither wants me nor is currently available/attainable for me. While thinking that thought alone does hurt… Thinking of him in any way hurts.

Perhaps, also, i prefer to be alone because i wouldn’t be able to tolerate someone lecturing me on my habits. I’m messy and can live quite happily in clutter. I can barely cook or clean and will only do either if i absolutely have to. I also cry… Sometimes for no reason.

I don’t think i could handle someone asking me what is wrong when i don’t understand why i am crying myself. I laugh too for no reason but those are much more rare.

Reminds me of when someeone caught me crying. I was hiding in my car at the time. I don’t remember who it was but i know it was one of my close friends. I can’t remember what i said, or if i even gave a reason at all.

I’m just tired of having my time wasted by people who don’t really care about whether i am around or not. I’m also tired of having boyfriends who get upset at the small things, like that i don’t wear makeup or i don’t go out at night.

So what? I don’t wear makeup unless it is an extremely special occasion because my skin just can’t handle it without breaking out into a multitude of raashes.

So what? I don’t go out at night. Right now, it’s because of Mum. But after i move out, it’ll probably be the same still. Why? I’m paranoid of the dark. I sleep with my laptop on and playing something. I’m also not the clubbing type, so i don’t have much reason to be out late.

I wish that if there was someone who was out there who wanted to be with me, that they don’t waste my time just to leave me after discovering the small faults that seem unacceptable to them. I always thought that in an alternate reality, i would be married now and things would be, if not difficult, at least going fairly smoothly.

But this is reality, and even though my mind is thoroughly set in the realm of fantasy, i have decided being alone is better than being with someone who will pick at things i can’t help.

I can’t help being messy and create clutter. It’s because i’m lazy. Not afraid to admit that. Being lazy isn’t a crime is you clean up once and a while. Which i use to do. Right now my room doesn’t have enough space for me and my stuff.

I can’t help crying/laughing for no reason. Most people would say that’s a sign of mental illness, but for me, unless i understand the ‘why’ i won’t just settle with ‘mental illness’ reaction.

I can’t help that i don’t wear makeup. Try having chronic dermatitis that, at the best of times, is merely dry skin. Try having sensitive skin that reacts to anything and everything.

I can’t help being paranoid of the dark. Being brought up with Mum’s constant negativity that everything is out to attack me leaves an imprint that is difficult to remove. I don’t sleep at night most of the time for the same reason. No one has been able to make me at ease with my surroundings at night. Obviously, natural ease. I don’t take making me tipsy equal making me at ease with my surroundings.

I took time to think about this so carefully. Been thinking about it since November last year. From now on, i’m no longer actively looking. I only will accept one person who my heart is set on. And lucky for me, that person doesn’t want me. Therefore, my wish to be alone and only have myself to rely on and blame for everything.

Let me start this post by saying that if you have no medical background then you might not understand some of the terminology. While in the general sense this is exaggerated, you sometimes do see this type of communication between departments.

Regardless, just watching it will give you the gist of what is going on even without the knowledge of medical terms.

So everyone who’s been following me knows i had to push back the release of IWB. It might be quite a while before I release something else. I’ll keep writing little pieces so keep an eye on the short stories section of my portfolio.

But I’m just so bogged down with a fair number of personal and medical problems now that writing is the farthest thing from my mind. Micha’s given me some space to get my shit together so I’ll post again once everything is back on track.

So as of right now, everything is on hold. EVERYTHING. Including the completed IWB and IW-Prologue.

I tried to update WordPress, forgot to back up, and the whole things crashed. I’ll take me a few days to get most things back online. Things that won’t be back:

- Old posts/project pages

- Some galleries

- The indepth profile page

The short stories and dreams sections are separate wordpress installations so those are safe. I’ll put the link to those up soon.